Random Musings at the Movies Last Week

The week behind was a rather eventful one at the movies and will go down history as one that had a huge impact on all allied industries except the movie that was behind the apocalypse. The solitary release of the week -Veer impacted some before its release and some after,but never did a movie go so far that the heavens shied away for an entire day to shield themselves from an asteroid called SALZARAS2212010(Salman, Zarine and Anil Sharma followed by the release date of Veer ,if you already didnt have a clue of what that meant)that was created by the amalgation of the creative energies of a certain muscular character called Salman Khan who was intrigued by the beauty of a fatso called Zarine Khan that was until the time busy selling Parag sarees even after they went bankrupt.Twas,one fine night, two years ago,when hunky Sallu was at the pub down Pali Hill, in an exalted state, he happened to stumble on a certain Anil Sharma who by virtue of shooting an impossible sequence of Sunny Deol pulling out a handpump during his last patriotic venture,Gadar, was elevated to the status of a film maker par excellence. As luck would have it, Gadar Sharma had a script  that he thought was just right for Salman. but HUNKY 100 pushups gave him a cold shoulder and unleashed a parchment  from  his wallet that  had a while ago been home to a handful of groundnuts.Voila!!! what does our man find...a story that he had scripted 500 centuries ago during his last incarnation as a tribal warrior in the jungles of Amazon. He remembered rather vaguely that he had sent the script to Mel Gibson through a time travel machine he had borrowed from the makers of the Denzel Washington movie,Deja Vu. However, Gibson was already working on the preproduction of Apocalypto that had a storyline notches above the contrived script of Veer. The fact that Apocalypto failed to make an impact is another matter.But,given that the fallibale nature of humans make them consider themselves infallible, made Salman conceited  and restless enough that he consumed a 100 gallons of Red Bull at the pub and with  infectious enthusiasm convinced Anil Sharma the far reaching impact of the script and the industries that would become profitable as a result.The first of those unfortunate camps to be affected was the tomato ketchup industry. Maggi and Kissan were specially advised to import tomatoes from Spain and Italy that were red enough to give blood a complex.The communication sent the tomato farming community in India in a dizzy,who decided it was time to inflate the prices and go Keynesian enough to have householders across the subcontinent reach out for fries at McDonalds.Satisfied with the outcome and enthused by the possibility of winning a National Award, Anil Sharma got the Queen of England to  temporarily shift her base from the Buckingham Palace to Chandini Chowk,where he heard Mithun Chakraborty was busy selling his high end vada pav specially imported from China.  Meanwhile,Salman decided that Zarine Khan was not a beauty but a bison from the hilly terrains of Kanchenjunga and fumed and fretted across the world so much so that Anil Sharma almost lost hope of winning a National Award. But, Almighty dear sucked by the plight of Gadar handpump Sharma, consoled him with a brilliant piece of news that suggested a certain village belle who just a couple of weeks ago was impossible with her pyar,won the National Award along with a 20 something Ranaut,who was run out for a long time until Madhur was sweet enough to shower his treasure(thats Bhandar in Hindi) on her. Delighted with this piece of news, Anil renewed his enthusiasm and got the censor board to pass off the movie with a UA certificate,who apparently were miffed by the stunts that they literally wanted to replicate a scene from the movie that would make the stomach crawl-wring Salman's neck and Anils Wrist,so that they may think straight and never make a lousy movie as this respectively.
The decision by the censor board to release Veer on Friday didnt augur well with the sensibilities of Ram Gopal Varma, who felt that Anil's films were not worth the mettle and competition.As a consequence, Ramu decided to run and let Rann on the 29th instead 22nd . Now thats what I call responsible behaviour and strategy well crafted.However, Ram Gopal Verma wanted to check a similar fiasco from erupting and hence went online to discuss with each of his starcast  what they thought about his movie. Now,given that all actors in the movie were sincire employees, the answers were polite and politically well crafted. However, the lead of the movie, the Big B of indian cinema had to bear the brunt of politeness and etiquette by answering a press conference of 200 newsmen that got him harried enough to find solace in the cosy seats of PVR Bangalore,where the Chief Minister of Karnataka and his battalion of chieftains,wanted a line by line translation of Paa. Worried,that the Big B may silently escape the tirade and not satisfy the request, the team made sure that food was all vegetarian and served at the seat. As soon as he was released from the iron clutches, Big B was pleasantly surprised to see the entire Bangalore throng around to get a glimpse of their favourite star,who apprently was both  puzzled  and immensly touched by the fact that after all, his darshan was balmy and comforting to all those Bangaloreans,who were affected by the indelible impact of asteroid SALZARAS2212010 that I hear finally landed on a place called Morocco,  which by the way is  known for Ibn Batuta and leather that you are  especially advised to put to good use if u see that duo come around on screen again.
Signing Off....
Eashwar

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